Monday, May 30th (now the good news)

The good news is that I have lost 9 lbs during this month of Living in Community.  We are having a shut down this week which is a major cleaning/overhaul/renovation of the facilities.  I am planning on doing a four day liquid diet to see what the results will be.  My biggest concern is that I will experience a lack of energy and not be able to keep up my routine and I do not want to start using caffeinated coffee to bring up my energy level.  If it proves to be too difficult I will go back to Community food which is delicious and plentiful and so lovingly prepared.

Monday, May 30th, Memorial Day (communication breakdown)

So I tried to have a conversation with my room mate last night and all did not go well.  Not only was she unable to listen to what I had to say (shutting me down or interrupting me whenever I spoke) but she put everything off on me.  At first she tried to keep it very neutral saying that there was "tension" and she came to Community to have her own experience and she did not want the tension that was arising to impinge on her experience and if I wanted to "Move into Silence" she was fine with that.  But after I told her that I had not notice any tension until she yelled at me that morning she flipped over blaming and accusing.  When I tried to talk to her about my confusion about when it was appropriate to talk to her when she had her headphones on she shut me down with an "I don't want to get into a back and forth with you about what went on" and then proceeded to tell me about my behavior that was creating the tension.  When I tried to put in back on her stating that I was not feeling any tension and I did not realize there was a problem until she yelled at me she just started repeating that I was creating tension, she came to Community to have her own experience and if I wanted to "Move into Silence" she was fine with that.  Every time she said it I asked her if that was what she wanted and she would not say yes or no.  After a few minutes of trying to communicate I realized that she was not going to listen and I said "For now I think it would be better if we "Move into Silence".  And I also requested that she respect the dorms rules about lights out at 10 p.m. and if she wanted use her computer after that she use the work room.  I had to ask four times before she agreed. 

Then I went to take a shower and when I came back she started again listing all the ways I had created tension in the environment and when I asked her to please "Move into Silence" she just kept going on and on about how I was wrong and she was right till finally I told her "Jeneya I feel if you can only blame me and not look at your part in things then you are full of shit"  She came out with an EXCUSE ME, Barbara and I told her I know you heard what I said.  That finally stopped the harangue and I packed up my stuff for today (forgetting my brush because I was more than a little agitated) and went to bed.  A few minutes later she came down from her bunk, opened the blinds and announced that she had decided it would be better if she moved out because "She came to Community to have her own experience and I was thinking whatever I was thinking and she wanted to part of that because she was all about peace and love" 

I wish her well on her journey. 

Sunday, May 28th

It's the start of a long weekend and my room mate has started acting hostile.  In general she keeps to herself but lately she has been acting more and more angry.  Yesterday when I can into the room and started speaking to her she cut me off by telling me she was listening to something.  Then last night she was up until all hours with the light on.  When I asked her to turn it off she just made a noise and switched off the light.  Then this morning when I was walking out the door she said "goodbye Barbara" in a hostile tone.  I said "you had your earphones on, I didn't want to disturb you"  She cut me off by saying she could still say goodbye.  
We need to have a talk sometime today. I am not going to be walking around on eggshells for the next few months because she can't talk about something that is bothering her.  Worse comes to worse I can invite her to have her own experience with whatever she is feeling.  Put it back where it belongs. 

Friday, May 27th

It has suddenly gotten very warm here in the Berkshires.  My working days have developed a comfortable routine, I get up at 5:25 a.m., dress, walk 1/2 mile to the main building and then to the gym work out for 45-60 minutes.  After my workout I go the ladies locker room to rinse, sauna, rinse, whirlpool, shower and get breakfast.  I have to provide my own coffee but they have the most wonderful bread here so breakfast is toast and coffee.  Sometimes eggs and OJ if I am especially hungry.  Then a few minutes outside soaking up the sun and admiring the view, then off to work.  If I don't work out I usually go to afternoon yoga before lunch then back to work.  After work I take a short rest in the library and then dinner.  After dinner I either do laundry and clean my room or go to an evening program.  On the weekends I walk to town and get books from the library and buy some junk food.  Usually Ginger Ale and Ruffles or whatever else I have been craving all week.  Then go for a swim in the lake, the water is now warm (at least the top few inches are) and it is so relaxing to swim and float in the lake.  It is all so very boring and I am loving it.  The only things I miss:
"The Office"
public transportation
and a town larger than the one you see on Mayberry RFD

Thursday, May 26th

Went for another swim today after work.  The temp hovered around 78 today so the top few inches of water were warm and the bottom was icy cold.  I great combination for the crawl.  I floated for a few minutes and really enjoyed the fact that there was no current to move me around. 

I have been working on getting to know people I dislike or avoid on the theory that I will probably dislike them.  One I will call Chronic Dissent, who is always talking to the other volunteers about what is wrong with the Community.  How their policies are wrong and things should be run better.  The other person I was reluctantly paired with in two of our group exercises.  I took the opportunity to sit with my discomfort and also to allowed myself to act silly.   Which I do not allow myself to do very often.  Tomorrow my practice is going to include throwing curve balls at my fellow volunteers.  Let's see what happens. 

Sunday, May 22nd

So today was a busy day off for me.  I went to a Tai Chi class, then Yoga Dance which was great, it really got my energy level up.  Then lunch and to top off the afternoon's entertainment I went for a swim in Stockbridge Bowl.  The water was so cold it literally took my breath away!  I was gasping for air the first few seconds I was swimming.  Once I was in it was still very cold but bearable.  Now I feel like "It Is On Stockbridge Bowl me and you are gonna have it out until I come out the winner".  In other words I can't wait to go swimming again!  I need to start bringing my swim stuff to work and on the days my boss lets me out early I am going to head for the lake.  I also plan to make more time for Yoga Dance.  

So on a more thoughtful note I am trying to observe my behavior more, look for where I may be shutting people out and the reason why.   It's usually the same old, old, old, old three patterns, vanity, insecurity and jealousy.   So basically fear, fear of looking foolish, fear of not getting and fear of losing.  Pema Chodrom sez there is only one fear, the fear of fear.  It never feels like that to me.  It fells like separate fears.  Well that is enuf pontification for now.  Gotta wash the lake water out of my hair. 

Friday, May 20th

The sun is almost out in the Berkshires. Mornings are usually foggy  here and  I love the colors of the lake and the smell of the clean damp air.  The fog shrouds the mountains (the perfect use for the word shroud) and it looks like a Japanese painting.  Sometimes in the afternoon the sun succeeds in it's struggle to burn off the fog and I take a walk at lunch.  
 Last night was our dorm's house warming party, it was nice but I felt like the oldest person in the room (which I probably was) and I left after eating some brownie crumbs.  The food here fresh and delicious but the deserts always seem to fall just a little bit short unless there is fresh fruit to liven them up.
I feel so content here, but (always a but) there is this person here who seems to want something from me, I'm not sure what.  I tend to avoid her because her communication style is a bit stilted (she seems to want to forcibly convey compassion) and I sometime feel that she is studying me for a science project.  Maybe she is lonely, we are close in age, and all she wants is friendship or companionship but the truth is during almost every conversation we've ever had she has (consciously or unconsciously) shit on something I've said.  So as previously stated I just avoid her.  
This is part of my usual pattern of not rejecting a relationship but not accepting it either.  It's not a pattern I am looking to change while I'm in such a transitory place. She will probably be leaving soon or I will, nothing is permanent.
One last thought, another volunteer left yesterday,  she was a sweet person but I guess she may have had expectations that this place could not deliver.   
I think all I expected from living in community was three hots and a cot, some easy work and some time to work on my projects, both inner and outer.  Then again look at my ex- I have very low (realistic) expectations in life.  

Wednesday, May 18th

A contemplation on Bun/Burger/Bun.   When you live in this particular community they encourage a certain communication style, which I have taken the liberty of calling  the Bun/Burger/Bun style.  When someone wants to talk to you about an "issue" they start with something nice and soft and fluffy then they get to the meat of the "issue" and then close it out with something nice and soft and fully.  I come from a long line of tell it like it is people and my communication style is much more direct.  For a while here in Community they used Nonviolent Communication exclusively.  Which makes me wonder how they talked about the weather or other mundane matters.  I do not mean to disparage NVC because it is an excellent, excellent tool and I admire people who can use if for conflict resolution but I do not see it as being an effective means of everyday communication. 

So besides trying to put a little focus on my communication style I am also looking at my habitual patterns in relationships.  I am aware that I am keeping a distance from most of my fellow volunteers (with one or two exceptions), with the intention of a0 not falling into a habitiual relationship, b) keeping myself free from distractions with my inner work and c) gaining some level of comfort in this new environment where my old (huckster salesmen) skill set is not striking me as very authentic. 

One last thought, I need to get comfortable with how much I want to be alone.  I like being alone I would be a perfectly happy hermit living in a teeming city of millions if I could.  But I know my practice will be helped my not isolating myself.  It is so wonderfully easy to show compassion for a stranger weeping on the street, much harder when it is the jerk who looks down his nose at you during a meeting.  Even harder to show compassion to the aforementioned jerk without feelings of spiritual superiority.

Tuesday, May 17th

OK a few things to talk about; first and foremost I have been eating extra food.  Mostly at lunch but a little more has been sneaking in here and there.  I am not suddenly extra hungry so I have to pay attention to what's going on with me when I am on the line for food.  

Second, we had our first wisdom keepers meeting.  It was a small group, six of us.  John leads the group, he is a very interesting guy; intelligent, funny, introspective and wise.  I see good things coming from the group.  I also noticed that when the person who I had set up as enemy was there I was both trying to make a connection and to show her up.  When she said something mildly challenging to John, I sort of disagreed with her (to stand up for John? to show her up? to show her whose boss?) #3 sounds like a winner.  I must watch out for my spiritual arrogance and jealousy. 

So one of the biggest challenges is that the skill set I developed  for interacting with people in the real world does not really seem appropriate. for use here.  I can make it work but again I get the "getting away with something" feeling that means I am short cutting and being inauthentic.  The whole reason I came here was to be more in touch with who and what I am.  I mean I consider myself a pragmatic buddhist first and foremost.  But is that really who I am?  I always feel like I need more alone time here.  It fulfills my need to proceed with caution.  A good place to leave off, need to make a phone call before work.

Monday, May 16th

So I went back to NYC for the weekend, The trip in aggravated me, it was over five hours instead of the promised four, so I could not visit my PO box.  One of the three reasons I went to town.  But all other missions were accomplished and I walked and swam and ate a bagel.  Also a LeVain cookie, an awsome tasty treat, dark chocoalte chocolate chip.  
So I have a new roommate Jeneya, she seems very nice and also does not seem to be a morning person.  I have to make sure that I get all my a.m. stuff done before I go to sleep so there is minimal morning noise. 

So this week I am sitting with the concept of enemy, how where ever I go I seem to set someone up as the enemy and direct hostility (internally or externally) towards them.  I am just going to spend some time noticing it and see what happens.  Fortunately, I don't think the person here at Kripalu noticed that I am feeling hostility.  The interesting thing is that I generally pick very self-involved people to set up as "enemy".  So for the most part I think as long as I do not overrly act I can just watch it and see if there is any movement in any direction now that it is in the spotlight. 

Today is drumming, I am enjoying drumming, Thursday there was a special program with five elements healing drumming.  It was good, the leader was energetic and enthusiastic and knew how to help the participants become a group.  A good skill I am trying to learn, nothing like improving your leadership skills without using the "us against them" tactic.

Saturday, May 14th

I am going back to NYC for the weekend and I cannot wait.  
I love living here, Thursday night I went to a drumming circle and the leader conducted a healing by  drummer over us with an Djembe as we lay on the floor.  The idea was that the vibrations of the drum would open your heart chakra and you would experience some type of healing.  I have to admit I felt better after the drumming, it is a great way to blow off steam.  I am getting a new roommate on Sunday night, I am a little nervous about meeting her.  In the old dorm there were 16 of us in one very large room so there was plenty of space to be by yourself.   Here it will be just the two of us in one regular sized room.  Right now I am not spending much time  I get up early, work out, go in the whirlpool and then breakfast and work.  There has been so much to do after work that I haven't had to spend much time in my room.  The only thing I miss about being in the old dorm (besides my wonderful friends) is the fact that I could lay down in my bunk for a few minutes between work and dinner or dinner and the evening's events.  Well it's a trade off, now I have wifi in my room and a house full of kids.  Seeing them makes me miss my son a little less.

Thursday May 12

So Living in Community has it's challenges, I had to change room because my snoring was affecting others.  I miss my old dorm mates, lovely, lively ladies to a one.  Full of life, love and energy.  Now I am in a different building where I will share a room with one person.  It is an outbuilding so I am  feeling a little isolated this is not helped by the fact that my new room mate will not move in for another week.   I spent last night unpacking and setting up the room (knowing that the new roomie may want to arrange things differently).  So I sat with feeling resentment at being kicked out, sadness at having to leave my friends, and bitterness at the two people who I feel forced me out of the dorm. And  I will sit with it some more.  

Work is isolating and now the dorm feels a little isolating so I will have to work harder to avoid my tendency to in the words of Garbo "be let alone".   At last I have started to develop a routine.  I get up work out, whirlpool, shower, drink coffee, eat breakfast and then go to work.  A word about the food here.  It is fabulous, I love the bread here, the inside is soft and tender and the crust is chewy.  My dream seva would be to work in the bakery here.  Hot, sweaty, physical work instead of staring at a screen while in the A/C.  Yeah I'd love it.

Sunday, May 8th

So I have been Living in Community for almost a week.  The work is OK, I do not feel as if I am really serving because all I am doing is office work.  I feel a little excluded because most of the other volunteers are part of teams, dishwashing, veggie prep, production, they all have their little groups.  I am feeling both older and a little left out.  Part of that is my tendency to like to be alone and part of that is the nature of the job.  I am going to be spending more time with staff than volunteers.  I have weekends off which is also the busiest time here.  Lots of weekend program participants, which leads me to what I have been mulling over the past two days.  Resentments. 
I am fat (there I said it) and not the usual way women say they are fat when they need to lose 10 or 20 pounds.  But really, really fat which is one of the many, many reasons I decided to come and live in community, delicious vegetarian food, junk food is a 30 minute walk up and down hills and there are plenty of yoga classes and hiking trails to help me get in better shape.  So anyway I am fat, death fat according to the lovely ladies who host the "Two Whole Cakes" podcast and refuse to use the words morbidly obese.  As a sidebar who could like the word obese it sounds too close to obscene (maybe that was the idea?). 
So there I am fat and naked in the ladies locker room (I am pretty comfortable with my body and I don't mind walking around naked in front of a bunch of other ladies) when out of the corner of my eye I catch a woman around my age (40ish-50ish) giving her friend a "get a load of that" look in my direction.  Immediate resentment, so rather than get dressed and leave I decide to sit (naked) on the bench, put on some lotion while and watch these two interact.  They both wrapped themselves in towels to undress and then put on their bathing suits (again under the towel) to go into the whirlpool (which I do naked).  Then one of the asked the other should they take off their necklace before going in the whirlpool, the other one answered in a panicked voice "no leave it on"  as if there were criminals loitering in the locker room (me perhaps).  So I was feeling resentful enough to want to write about it here which means I need to work on look getting my hackles raised when others judge me.  Fortunately the women in my dorm are much more accepting of me, except the one who does not speak to me or make eye contact but that is another post.

Friday, May 6th

I have survived my first week of Living In Community.  I have a pretty cushy office job so sometimes when I pass someone in the hall who is cleaning or running around doing program work I feel a little guilty.  I mean I worked pretty hard teaching myself how to use MS Office and taking every training offered me by my previous job but still there is that twinge of guilt. 
The women in my dorm are wonderful,  there is a good mix of experienced volunteers and newbies.   So far everyone gets along, so far.....
The food here is wonderful, mostly vegetarian but good things like spinach pizza.   I feel like I am eating too much no matter how small I make my portions.  Most of it is greens, they have wonderful greens every day.  Kale, Swiss Chard, spinach all my favorites and always plenty of salad.  Definitely need more fiber.  
I have the next two days off and plan on walking to town.  I want a diet soda and a library card.  Oh and my box arrived with my knitting supplies, just as I though of an idea for an embroidery project.  No reason not to work on them both. 

Wednesday, May 5th

Today is my third day living in community, so far so good.  I thought that I would be rooming with a bunch of pachouli wearing hippie types with unshaven armpits.  I could not have been more wrong.  Most of my dorm mates are like me.  Serious intelligent women interested in self inquiry.  So every night I write a little scribble in my notebook about the day but up until now I have not had a chance to post.  So I will give you all a little update.  Arrived Monday afternoon, partially unpacked (nothing like keeping your options open) and then attended a meeting where you sit on the floor on cushions.  Not my favorite thing.  Yesterday was a full day orientation (on the cushions) and I received my work assignment and met my family group.  I, of course, wanted to plot to crush and destroy the other family groups but was overruled by group conscience.   Instead we will meet every other week to discuss how we are doing on our goals for being here, Living In Community. 

So my goal is to be more authentic and to decide what I want to do with my life, career, housing situation when I leave here.  Or to put it in what I call "Tinkerbell" terms.  How Will I Follow My Bliss. 

There are lots of Tinkerbells who chose to Live In Community.  They like to believe that thinking happy thoughts will allow them to fly.  None of them seem to want to do the work, I am going to watch them carefully to see if the Happy Thoughts plan works for them, part of me hopes it does since ignorance is after all bliss.

 Also I took my first walk this morning.  The hike up the hill kicked my ass, (probably gonna curse some in this blog) but left me feeling so much better.  Also my body is adjusting to the food here.  It is wonderful and they have farm fresh free range eggs almost every day.  Also the home made flax seed bread is to divine, it makes my morning.