Sunday, August 29th

So we survived Hurricane Irene and I was told that my snoring sounds somewhat like a freight train.  The person who told me this was leaving community the next day so I view it as completely honest coming as it did from a kind and loving person. Who I am going to miss.  She had a sunny sweet disposition and a full and loving heart. 
My (ex) friend is talking to me in a very distant and very cordial manner.  He does not eat at the volunteer table anymore and when I checked in with him about going to see Porgy and Bess with me and Sarah instead of answering yes or no he told me that he had been invited to four or five events at Tanglewood but had not been interested in attending any of them.  I took that to mean he was not interested and dropped the topic. I am sure in his mind he "redirected me successfully in a more appropriate direction".
 The ex-roommate is haunting the whirlpool/sauna area of the Community.  Every time I go in there she is there sitting on the ledge above the whirlpool (what's up with that) or sitting on the wooden bench putting some type of oil on some discolorations on her feet. Not a pretty sight also was kicked out of her seva because of her behavior.
The term is almost over and we are having our Transitioning Ceremony in two days and I will be so sorry to see so many of my friends go.  There are a few people who I will not be so sad to leave, uptight, judgmental and/or prissy people.  Goodbye to them, but mixed in with people I love, people I like and people I kinda feel some good vibes with. 
And I have a new seva in a week and a day and I will be happy, happy, happy to be off the mezz, away from distractions and in with a new batch of volunteers and staff.  Also ex-friend will be doing dish crew so we may or may not have the same shift.  But I will consider it a work around if we do.  

Friday, August 26th

So I have been thinking lately about endings and beginnings.  For me, (thank you for teaching me that phrase John M.) sometimes when relationships end it is to make room for something new, not necessarily better, but new.  But what I have noticed lately is that I still sometimes carry expectations from old relationships into new.  What a burden to place on another person!  I need to be mindful of that going forward.  I dislike having to constantly self-analyze because in truth I am lazy.  I was going to write here about how it can stifle my spontaneity and authenticity but lazy is probably (definitely) much closer to the truth.   

So here in community we are getting ready for old volunteers to leave and new volunteers to come in.  This will happen next week.  It’s going to be hard saying goodbye to the volunteers who are leaving especially the ones who I have become close to, but I like the idea of making room for the new.  New people, new energy, new relationship dynamics to watch develop.  I am also starting a new seva (job) next week and I am looking forward to that.  It will be hard to say goodbye to my old boss (he’s been a great boss) but it will be nice to be working as part of a volunteer team and have a more cohesive family group.  

Another thing I realized is how right I am to trust my instincts when it comes to people.  At the beginning of my time living in community I instinctively disliked and distrusted a person I had just met and later my feelings were justified.  Now some might say that it was a self-fulfilling prophesy but in an earlier post I said would be mindful of the fact that I wanted for some reason to set this person up as “enemy” and that I was not going to fall into that pattern.  In the end though people always show their true colors.  This person never stopped talking about themselves in the best possible terms and denigrating others behind their back.  I think I need to accept that I am going to always put up major defenses when it comes to female narcissists.  

Friday, August 19th

I haven't posted in a while, I have been keeping to myself more than usual lately mostly because of the fight with John, but Ihave been writing rants and deleting them when I am feeling less edgy and overwhelmed so some introspection is still going on.  Today we (John and I) had a conscious communication about our fight.  It went well in that I felt heard but it did  not go well in that it seemed he deflected everything onto me without owning anything himself.  I was disappointed but feel that I can maintain some type of a friendship with him. 
It is a challenge when you are friends with someone who had trouble respecting boundaries and can use the language of therapy to shore up their own defenses.
I tried to look at my part in things and Nate was right that I did not speak up about the remark that initially pushed my buttons.  And that if I had (despite the presence of the two little girls) things may have gone differently.  So I am grateful for the incident because it brought to light that I do need to come up with some new vocabulary for setting boundaries and telling people when their remarks are offensive. 

Monday, August 15th

I skipped Wisdom Keepers (seekers) for the first time, one of the attendees is not speaking to me.  He has also not replied to my e-mail inquiring about some money I owed him but was unable to repay since he was avoiding me.  So I did the human thing and avoided an uncomfortable situation.  The loss of the friendship saddens me but I know that even when accepting each other's limitations you cannot always work things out.  And that is OK, sometimes you need to turn the page, start a new chapter and see what arises. 
So the energy work has slowed down mostly because I am not good a self-promotion or marketing.  I need to talk to some PR/Marketing gurus to find out how to market myself without appearing self aggrandizing.
Our family group met today to discuss our year end project which is due on Tuesday.  Two or three people did the majority of the talking and one person just kissed ass and the rest of us did not contribute much.  I am going to write my piece about my expectations, how they were and were not met and what I plan to do differently going forward. 
Went to NYC last weekend, had fun, saw friends, want to live in NYC for ever (or at least the foreseeable future) and in general love life. I am still feeling frustrated by distractions at work but I know it is only another three weeks and then I will have a new job with (hopefully) less distractions. 

Tuesday, August 9th

Dear Josh,

How are you doing?  I hope you are well.  I am feeling angry and resentful and I keep having underthebedmonster nightmares.  None of this is a good sign.  It usually means that I have been triggered and something is going to come up.  Maybe it is something as simple as knowing that Joe is seeing other people and I am not.  Maybe something more cause the underthebedmonster nightmares have been going on for a few weeks.  So not sure what's up and I am feeling resentful towards two people which I am hoping I can let go of by tomorrow.  Well I have to go to bed now I will type to you again soon.

Love

Barbara

Tuesday, August 9th

I am living in resentment central. Two people have pissed me off.  One was acting like a bitchy old queen (and I would have told him that if there were not two children present) saying that the reason a friend of ours had learned to hula hoop so quickly was because she spent so much time on her back.  Then another person who has not acknowledged my presence for the past two months has decided to use me to get something she needs in order to not look like the slacker she is.  I just threw the ball back in both their courts. Let both of them deal with the consequences of their actions.

Tuesday, August 9th

OK so this is going to be a BIG vent.  I have a friend who has been acting in a very angry manner towards me the past two days.  Unfortunately he is not one of those people who is easy to confront about their behavior.  He in fact tends to avoids confrontation with me and another mutual friend. This morning at breakfast he was trying to control the way I eat.  I eat fast, I have always eaten fast, especially when I enjoy what I am eating and most especially when it is eggs and I don't want them to get cold.  He sat down and told me I ate too fast and that I needed to slow down.  I acknowledged that I do eat fast, I always have.  He told me I need to have a "yoga experience with my eggs and I told him I was fine with the way I ate.  He then told me I needed to chew my food 32 times and started to try to count how many times I chewed my food.  I told him if he started counting I would leave the table.  He tried to justify this behavior by saying now I know how he felt when I picked food off of his shirt or told him he had food on his face.  I told him that pointing out that someone had food on their face or clothing was just being courteous but trying to tell someone how to eat was controlling and that I was going to eat at another table.  It seems like this person is angry about something and rather than talking about prefers to be abusive and bullying.  What should I do?

Wednesday, August 3rd

So today I had my interview with the program leader to tell him I wanted a new seva (job).  Of course, he did not promise me I would get it (what is up with that?)  In general he seems reluctant to commit to anything and I wonder if he is in over his head job-wise or if there is just a lot going on that I do not see.  Maybe both. 
So I am happy about the job change, I like my job, I like my boss (almost all the time) and I like the place where I work but I feel a little stifled in the job and the office is a little smaller than I would like since I share it with another person, It is about a 7X12 space with two desks, two floor lamps, two garbage pails and a small open closet with a small end table for storage.  The new job will be more stressful and physically demanding but less confining.
Now onto happier news, my sister is getting married and I am flying down to Florida for the wedding.  She picked up her rings yesterday (and has already starting wearing it) and I booked my flight.  I am leaving from La Guardia rather than Albany based on the fact that I do not want to fly a puddle jumper to NYC and change planes.  Rather take a bus or train down to my beloved city and fly out from there. 
So tonight is drag queen bingo and I am debating going.  I love going and having a beer and playing bingo and the best part for me is walking home.  It is so quiet and the stars are so clear and I feel like I am alone on the planet (except for the occasional car) and that feels so good.  Of course since the bear sighting I am more cautious which means I sing while I walk home hoping the noises emanating from me will keep the bears at bay.