Thursday, July 28th

So last night I went to drag queen bingo with a friend and a friend of a friend.  I was reluctant to go to DQB with this person because in truth I do not like them at all.  They are mercenary, self-involved and always dragging people down.  I told this to my friend but against my better judgment I went along since I would be going there anyway.  The person (the nicest thing I can say about this person is that one day she will unhinge her jaw and devour someone whole) sat between me and my friend,  turned her body away from me and started to have a conversation about the people in community with my friend.  The last time I went out with the devourer she monopolized the whole conversation and talked with my friend about their mutual community friends in the most unflattering way.  So cutting me out of the conversation and basically just running people down.   Before we went into the bar I asked if we could not talk about work but my request was ignored.  So when my friend asked me what I thought I said "I think I don't want to talk about community".
Which was met with silence, when I got up to get another beer, the two of them went outside to smoke and talk and left me alone in the bar for over 20 minutes.  I decided then and there that I would never go out with the two of them again. So the devourer left DQB early (such a relief) and my friend and I sat and finished bingo without much conversation. When we left the bar I let him know that I was not going to spend any of my social time with the devourer.  Just too much negative energy (on her part) and too much revulsion (on my part).  So he proceeded to tell me he saw a side of me that he never say before and said I was a hypocrite for asking that we not discuss community members since I gossip all the time.  Which is to a degree true, I do talk about my fellow community member and I do (in my mind) poke fun at their short comings or odd behaviors but I do not call people losers and ass-kissers like the devourer does. So today I was in inquiry about my behavior and I am going to try to be mindful of what I say about the people with whom I am living in community.

Sunday, July 24th

This morning I saw a black bear outside the side door.  I actually walked halfway out the door before I noticed the bear.  I told him to move along and he just continued eating.  So I though someone else has to see this and I went and found Mary, who was as excited as me to see the bear.  I told her I told the bear to move along and the bear just looked at me.  She opened the door and let out a little whoop whoop holler and the bear turned and ran off.  Later when I was walking down the stairs (whooping and barking) I saw the bear walking up the driveway.  It turned and looked at me as it was walking away but did not, repeat NOT, hurry itself along.  I more or less took the look to mean "Aw man, give me a break". But that's just me anthropomorphizing a bear because face it, seeing a black bear less than twenty feet away from you is pretty awesome if you have a door you can hide behind.  And a heavy fire door up a short flight of stairs. 
So today I did energy work on two people and spent the rest of the day loafing.  It felt really good to watch TV and loaf around, painted my toe nails and did some mending on my wardrobe.  Just a relaxing day off.

Thursday, July 21st

So I am missing my friend John and I am doing well with my energy work.  I overdid it with yoga dance and walking and my back has been complaining a little but I blame it on the forward bends I am kindly forced to do in the off the mat and last weekend's program. That's all I have to say, going to eat an uninspiring dinner now.

Sunday July 17th

Had another busy weekend here in community.  I took a course in the Shariras which was very good, I blew off the last day since the main presenter was not around and I wasn't feeling like doing asanas.  It worked out well since I took a ride to a new town in the area (Great Barrington) which had  a 99cent store and a bookshop with a large used book section.  I bought a few books for a few people and one for me that my friend from Delray Beach recommended to me.  I spent a little more than I should but I am feeling flush since I picked up an extra shift on mussel beach. 
I did some energy work on a friend and on the way to the bodywork room we saw a pheasant family, two adults and four babies.  The walked quickly away when we approached and blended in with the low foliage very well. It made me pause and admire nature for a moment and even though I know the hawk has to eat I hope the little pheasant chicks are safe in the woods.

Friday, July 15th

So things have settled down and the volunteer's dissent about a member being asked to leave against his will has all but died down.  Some volunteers vented about not feeling appreciated, which I can understand if you are in a face paced unappreciated job like dish crew or veggie prep.  I don't feel much appreciated at my job but that is not why I do it.  I get some satisfaction from a job well done, when I turn out work without any mistakes I feel good about my ability to stay focused.  I guess I just don't look to the external for recognition or appreciation.  It's enough that I know I have done a good job. 
I am feeling restless and I want to do something subversive but know that the feeling will pass and I don't have to act on it.  Or that I can commit small subversive acts that will not harm myself or others.  One thing I do is that people here in community pile rocks on top of other rocks in the gardens and other places on the grounds.  Why they do this I do not know.  I think in their minds they are making some type of offering or setting an intention.  I take the rocks and throw them back in the woods, cause I believe two things.  It is ridiculous to pile a rock on top of another rock unless you are making art and two that I am setting their intentions free.
To my credit I have (to date) followed the rules of this establishment with one exception and that was to help a friend who was in need. So I do not feel bad about it and it was a situation where breaking the rule harmed no one so I feel OK about what I did. 
I am taking an interesting course in the shairars, which are the energy bodies.  The presenter is a charming energetic 65 year old yogi with a twenty or thirty something pregnant wife.  So I guess he does alright. The best thing he said tonight while discussing the energy bodies was that he received a deluxe super soft body (he is slightly overweight).  I like the idea of referring to my body as the deluxe super soft model (still liking the phrase death fat though).  Did some energy work on a friend who said they felt good! exclamation point theirs not mine.  Will continue the work and see where it leads. 

Thursday, July 14th

So I am going to do a little venting here.  I work in a small office with my direct supervisor and I noticed that while all of my work is for public scrutiny and he will not double check my work for accuracy; most of his work is not open to public scrutiny and I do have to double check his work against mine and one other person's. 
In other words I catch his mistakes in the course of doing my job before his work comes under public scrutiny.  Last week he made a mistake and I did not have time to tell him about it and he in a general way talked about how someone in the department must have "erased" his work.  There are only two people with the passwords, me and him and I did not "erase" any work.  So he made a mistake and didn't want the person he was talking to to realize it. 
Now I don't mind taking the blame for a mistake I didn't make but today I made a mistake with a public document and tomorrow I have to talk to his boss about it.  I am feeling a little frustrated that I have to double check his work for errors but he will not double check my work for errors.

I really don't mind if I get chewed out because I decided two weeks ago I wanted to change to another seva.  The problem is I have not been able to talk to my program manager about my request so I have not said anything to my direct supervisor or his boss.  Which leaves me in a quandary-do I discuss my plans to change sevas with my bosses' boss before talking to the volunteer manager?  Or do I just keep quiet?   I will let you know tomorrow. 

Also I am doing my first energy healing tonight, wish me luck.

Tuesday, July 12th

so much has happened since my last post, one person was asked to leave the community for having a "bad attitude" towards a manager and the overall management style. Another person chose to leave voluntarily for personal reasons.  And as the end of the term draws to a close many people are choosing to leave.  It is sad to see so many friends going, people who I have gotten close to and some that I am not close to but still love in my own buddhist way.

I also went back to NYC for the weekend, it was good to go back and I am almost certain that when I leave community I will stay in New York for the foreseeable future.  I am also certain that I am going to be moving further away from Joe.  I see that we are never going to be able to get along.  That his ongoing issues are for the most part going to impact negatively on me.  I will never stop loving him but I am going to have to move away from being a part of his life.  For some reason love and loyalty are always mixed up in my mind.  Where does obligation end?  Does it end?  That will be my inquiry for the next few weeks.

Wednesday, July 6th

So yesterday I did a poetry slam with my fellow volunteers.  It was an intense experience, I am used to talking in front of a group of peers when I am “presenting” and I am comfortable working in a public arena when I am selling.  But when you have to get up in front of a room full of people and share something personal that you have written then it is a very, very different thing.  I wasn’t really nervous until ½ hour before the slam started but when I was up next the butterflies really hit.  Then when I got up to read I was shaking.  I got decent scores (another reason to be nervous) and was happy that my friend Ben (an outrageously good poet, writer, film maker, overall creative genius) won and my bffn (best friend for now) won a much deserved second place. 

So what came out of that in this morning’s meditation was that I am not, repeat not, pushing myself.  I am to a large degree playing it safe here in community.  So I have decided to ask for a new seva (job) for next term.  I can sit in the office and do a job that I have always done and be very comfortable (hey it is one of the only air conditioned spaces in the building) and very safe.  Or I can stretch myself and get out into the world a little more and STOP HIDING.  I mean I came here to be in community, to do things a different way but I feel like I just switched locations. 

And yes I know that it is me that has to change first but the first step is Stop Hiding.  That was what came up today in my a.m. meditation. 

Also I saw three wild turkeys on the way to the main building, at first I was anxious cause the turkeys at South Beach Psych can be very aggressive but when I shouted hey and clapped my hands they moved off the path and up the hill a ways (keeping an eye on me the whole time) then moved back down to the path after I passed.  So it was all good a little aggression on my part and no aggression on their part.  Next time we meet I will just say hello and see if that moves them off the path.  I don’t want to be aggressive with the birds, but I do not want to be pecked either, all three were over three feet tall and looked like they could do some major pecking with their beaks. 

So far my encounters with wild animals has been limited to birds and rodents.  Sometimes when I am meditating in the woods I hear distant noises that could be a tree branches falling or a large animal but so far no bear sightings.  Which I am fine with.  If I see a bear I will undoubtedly report it here.

Friday, July 1st

So I haven’t really been blogging, in part because so much has been going on and in part because I have nothing much to say.  But this morning I weighted myself and had the usual pre-weight in battle in my head that goes something like this:

Whatever the number is I will be happy with myself.  Then a number pops into my head (which is five lbs lower than the last time I weighted myself) and I know that in two weeks I will not have lost that much weight so I reject that number and I tell myself again that I will be happy with myself and my progress no matter what the number is.  Then another number pops into my head (all this goes on in the five minute walk to the building which the fitness room and the dreaded scale) which is one pound higher than the last time I weighted myself.  I also reject this number but I negotiate with myself about what I am willing to do if that number appears, start working out again, swim a little bit more, cut bread down to just toast in the morning (a desperate measure to be sure!).  But I tell myself no matter what the number is I am not allowed to beat myself up about it. 

So the number was three lbs less, so I ate a larger than usual breakfast to celebrate.  I will for the rest of my life use food to celebrate and not give a fuck (yes I said fuck) what the diet gurus say about it.  Cause food is life and life comes will plenty of reasons to celebrate and I refuse to give up celebrating life/food/fun. 

The biggest reason I feel that way is because there are plenty of average (or in once case under average) weight volunteers who deny themselves food or make certain foods off limits.  One won’t drink coffee, some won’t eat dairy, some won’t eat gluten, some won’t eat meat, one person won’t eat any of the above but I find her very inflexible and in conversations she always defines herself by what she can’t do.  As if denying herself makes her somehow saintly (damn Catholics).  In the immortal words of Joe Jackson “Don’t wanna be like that”