Tuesday September 27th

This has been a month of adjustments for me.  New seva with a new schedule, a new roommate and a crop of new volunteers.  I find myself wanting to be alone more that usual and the early waking insomnia is getting a little worse its now four or five days a week instead of the pattern of three.  I tried doing three different things thinking that they may have been the source but nothing to date has worked better than sprinkling my sheets with eucalyptus oil.  I worry that it is bothering my room mate who I think is just being polite about it cause she's Canadian.  So most days I am mentally tired but am able to work dish crew just fine and I love the adrenaline rush of peak busy time when I do dirty take off (taking the dirty trays off the carousel).   I am getting better at clean take off but last night with three hundred people (a light night) and one person short there were lots of stops and starts.  Also I need to get this off my chest, the supervisor spent most of the time she was supposed to be helping me polishing cups rather than putting them in the soaking bin and moving on to other more strenuous projects.  Then when I tried to put away the clean take off items she did not do she sprayed my feet with water because she wanted to wash the floors early to get out early.  I can see now why at every share she talks about her life being so chaotic.  She makes decisions without thinking things through (which I am also guilty of) and doesn't have any time management skills. 

Friday September 23rd

I have been busy adjusting to my new schedule, I now work 1:30 p.m. - 9:00 p.m. but we usually get out around 8:45 p.m.  cause we are just soooooo motivated to get the work done.  I work with a great crew of all guys, they cut me a little slack and don't ask me to take out the garbage but I do everything else including washing down the Hobart, sweeping, scrubbing and squegeeing the floors. 
I had been losing weight steadily but now that I am working such a physical job I am losing more weight each week.  I like that I am losing weight but it is also a drag because pants I thought I could wear through the winter are fitting me now so it does not look like they will fit in three months.  This will mean more trips to Goodwill and I plan on doing a Goodwill tour in Florida when I visit in October.  I can always mail the clothes up here. 
So I am tired and going to sleep, Goodnight blog.

Monday, September 19th

It's been a busy week, I am still adjusting to a new seva schedule and the temperature has dropped significantly the past two weeks.  So no more swimming in the lake and I had to go home to pick up my winter clothes.  I have a duffel bag full of sweaters and jeans that need washing and I feel y usual ungroundedness from traveling from high energy to contemplative energy.
Every day I feel so grateful to be living in community, my job is in the dish room so it is steamy, sweaty, swampy work but I love it.  I work with a great group of people and I am happy.  How nice is it to be able to say that I am happy.  All the old timers in the dish room say tell me how you feel in a month.  I think I will still feel grateful to know that I am doing a seva where I can be both mindful and be of service.
Also I am doing more energy work on my fellow volunteers which is another way I feel I can be of service.

Tuesday, September 13th

I received two sincere compliments today, this morning a male friend told me that I was like Indian Summer in New York, sunny but with a bite. We are co-hosting a film festival here at Hill House.  I have not been sleeping well lately (OK the past two months) waking up early and not able to go back to sleep.  Sometimes I drowse but no real sleep.  It is much easier to do dish crew than computer on five hours sleep.
So the other compliment was from my ex-roomie who told me I had a nice voice and should consider voice over. This was a surprise because I think I have a very New York sounding voice and I don't like the way I sound when I record it.  Also I don't sing well so I think my voice is not so good.  But it was nice to hear that and I may think about recording books for the blind or something like that.  

Saturday, September 10th

I started my new seva and I love it.  It is everything I wanted to be part of a crew, to have a physical job which also allows me to try to be mindful.  It is hectic at times and other times more contemplative.  I miss my boss a little but I am enjoying my time off.  Today I walked with my new roomie to town and we took a bus to the nearest drugstore.  I bought bandaids for my blisters and organic decaf coffee.  All in all a good trip. 

I found out that my roomie had a dog sled team (8 dogs purebred Inuit sled dogs) up in the Arctic Circle.  She is originally from outside Toronto which I always associate with underground malls and Margaret Atwood.  I have stopped sneezing so whatever I was allergic to has passed or I have gotten used to it.  

This weekend we have a famous presenter who has a large following from the compulsive overeating community.  So it is Fat Girl Central here in community and I am loving it!  There are Fat Girls all over the building and grounds.   I find it so comforting to be around so many large and lovely ladies.  I have been using the word Fat Girls and it is making some people uncomfortable especially when  I include myself in that group.  Too Bad! as they say here in community, maybe that's your edge.  

Thursday, September 8th

When I decided to live in community I made two vows, one to do whatever was asked of me (to the best of my ability) and the other was to say yes to whatever the universe offered me.  To date this has worked out very well for me.  I asked for a new seva because I wanted to stop playing it safe and I received exactly what I asked for.  I have a team, a crew, a beautiful loving group of beings who I know will love and support me.  I have a job that gives me a little cash.  I have a workout that I love YogaDance.  I am losing weight at a slow and steady rate and feeling really fit.  My meditation practice is regular.  I feel like I set the bar pretty high for the universe and the universe said "Watch out because I am bringing"
So universe thank you I so am grateful and I am going to continue to say yes.
 

Thrusday, September 8th

I think I am allergic to something my roommate brought into the room because I woke up for the second morning in a row sneezing.  I hope I can get used to whatever it is because I really like her and would hate to have to switch roommates or rooms.
Fall is coming to the Berkshires and I am feeling a little melancholy about the change of seasons.  The leaves are starting to change and despite the fact that I don't like the heat I feel like summer in the Berkshires is all too brief.  Residents say the fall is glorious but I wonder if it will be as short as the summer.  I think there must be six months of winter in the mountains and I miss the longer lingering four seasons of NYC.  Though there are really only three, you smell the garbage, the garbage doesn't smell so bad (my favorite season) and the garbage is frozen. 
What do I miss about NYC these days:
my friends (Nate in particular)
public transportation
having everything closeby (directly related to the above)
bagels
the energy

What I don"t miss:
the noise
the dirt (my skin stays so much cleaner here!)
the arrogant and neurotic you are forced to interact with when out in public
rude sales people

Wednesday, September 7th

Today the end of one seva and the beginning of another.  I met my seva mates and they are all beautiful beings.  I am so ready for the change and while I am sad to leave my co-workers behind I am happy to be going, bittersweet some people are saying when I try to explain my feelings but its more like a sweet tart good feeling.  Facing my fear and stepping outside my comfort zone (even if no one sees it but me) to put myself out there instead of living my hermity ways.

I like my new roommie as well.  She has a shining light in her face and is so positive about her new life here.  I love it. 

Wednesday, September 7th

The new crop of volunteers have arrived and I have a new roommate.  She is from Canada and seems quite sane (a big change from my previous roomie). 
It has rained for the past three days and I am feeling melancholy and missing my ex.  I am wearing his homemade hemp hoodie (hows that for aliteration!) and even though I've washed it so many times I still am trying to smell him.
Today is my last day of my current seva, I am happy to be leaving the job but I will miss the people.  I am excited about starting a new job but I heard a rumor (community is rife with rumors) that my ex-roomie will have the same seva.  That will be interesting and if it is true I will be grateful for the opportunities it will present for me to practice. 

Monday, September 5th

So this week in community has been all about loving and letting go.  Two very good, loving friends left this week and I am sitting with feelings of sadness over the loss of their loving presence in my life.  I can fully understand now why Arthur talks about shutting down to the new volunteers in order to avoid the pain of loss.  It will be hard to open up to the new people the way I did to Deb and Sarah.   And then next term it will by my turn to leave the people I love behind. Then I will have the experience that my departing friends are having now.  

So now a few words about John, he is not talking to me (yet another experience of having to love and let go) which somehow feels OK.  He is going his way and I am going mine with no feelings of acrimony (on my part).  I feel sad about the lost friendship but like my relationship with Joe I know that sometimes you cannot love someone within their limitations and still keep healthy boundaries.  It took years of therapy and three months at Kripalu to convince me of that.  I am grateful for the time I had with both of them and I will always cherish the memories and the lessons I have learned (and will probably learn again and again).  Nobody in community made me laugh as much as John did or examine my motives as fully as he did.  That is hardest thing to let go of in the relationship.

My sitting meditations have been very distracted; just an almost constant monkey mind but at least I can sit with my restlessness and there are moments.  Randall was talking about being addicted to (meditative) bliss the same way Deborah talks about being captive to the feel good nature of doing energy work. 

I can see why both are such ego traps and I hope to be able to work on both issues in my next term; which starts in two days.  I am really excited about the transition to dish crew.  I will miss my Mezzidents but I feel good about moving on. 

Friday, September 2nd

So the term is over and volunteers are leaving.  Friends, people I hardly know and people I avoided as much as possible.  The funny thing is there were people who I met at the beginning of the term who I felt an affinity for but no friendship ever developed.  Then there was someone who I thought, I am going to stay away from this person no matter what, and now we are friends. Not best buds but I do energy work on this person (yes I am doing the gender avoidance thing to hide their identity) and actually enjoy their company. 

So I am sad, my friends are leaving tonight and over the weekend.  The nice thing is even though I am feeling sad I don't feel like eating junk food to try to feel better.  Though I have to admit chocolate chip cookies were on my mind a part of the day.  I am going to miss them and I am going to allow myself to miss them.