So yesterday I weighted myself and for the first time I am happy with the number. I have been losing a pound or two a week without really trying because I do not want to get obsessed with weight loss and make my whole stay here about losing weight or not losing enough weight or just not losing it fast enough and in general making myself crazy with a number. So I have been trying to just live in community and accept myself and my body, as is, to the best of my ability. Some days are better than others and what helps (not in a schadenfreude type of way) is seeing where others are not able to accept where they are at no matter what size they are. I can look at them and say I was there and I have moved along the continuum to a more accepting place. Part of me feels like being a little more aggressive in pushing people along but I know that is not the answer. I am just grateful that at some point someone was able to hold a mirror up to my face and I was able to see myself and more importantly able to sit with what I saw. So I am happy with the number (which you will never, ever, ever be able to drag out of me) but no so happy that the number still makes a difference to my mood.
And speaking of mood (or mindset) I spent the day in the nearest big city (small by comparison to NYC but what isn't? Tokoyo maybe?) with a friend and it was the best day I have had in a long time. After I got back to my room I realized all this internal energetic stuff I had been trying (really really trying) to get rid of for years has somehow just fallen away and I am feeling really free energetically. I am enjoying the feeling while realizing that like everything else it will pass.
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