Sunday, JUNE 26th

Last night we went to a local bar for a friend's birthday celebration and it was Karaoke night! My friend Sara has a very good voice and sang two songs.  I sang "Our House" and while my voice was not great I was happy that I got up and sang (there were only about 5 people in the bar).  Another person was supposed to sing but never did get up there.  A great time was had by all, it is a very neighborhoody type of bar and I hope I can take Susan there when she comes for a visit cause Wednesday night is Drag Queen Bingo!   and the rule is Don't Be a Drag, Be a Queen.I think she would get a kick out of it.

So the past few days I am feeling a little weird because I am in situation where I have to tell someone that I cannot give them something I promised to give them.  And I am avoiding, which is a favorite pastime for me when I do not want to face someone else’s disappointment, disapproval or judgment.  I promised someone two of my four guest days but then a friend (who I am really looking forward to seeing wanted to come up for five days instead of three and she will be using them.  Since I was only giving them to the person because I thought no-one wanted them I offered them without condition.  Now that I have to rescind the offer, I am feeling a little bad and trying to “make it alright” in my mind by noticing “things” about the person I offered the guest days to no longer joins me and my friend for meals.  My thinking is that this person heard me say once that no one wanted to come up here to visit me and started a subtle plan to be around when the discussion came up again.  Because the next time I mentioned no one wanting to use my guest days he jumped right in and stated he could use them.  Maybe he just took advantage of the situation, which is OK I am more or less (usually more) an opportunist as well.  But the fact that he faded into the background as soon as he got what he wanted makes me feel a little misused.  Of course that could just be my way of deflecting guilt, which is a normal reaction. 

Still feeling very excited about the “Be Your Own Shaman” course and my friend Susan coming up for a visit. The weather has been so changeable lately, sunny and warm then cloudy and cold in the course of an hour.  Yesterday the weather at the lake reminded me of how quickly my mood can shift.  Sunny and Bright then Cloudy and Cold then Stormy and Dark then the next day it starts all over again.  I am hoping for a little Sunny and Bright today so I can swim in the lake.

! 

Friday, June 24th

So two great pieces of news.  I got into an Energy Intensive program that I wanted to attend.  It happens July 4th weekend which will be really busy. And after the program my friend Susan will be coming up for a program.  She is using my housing credits so she only has to pay for the cost of program.  It will be great to have a friend up here.  Not that I don't love my community friends but there is something so comforting about having an old friend come and visit that is making me feel so good. 

Quatum Me-draft 2

Quantum Me

E=mc2      The theory of relativity means time is not absolute

Energy

Matter

The speed of light squared

What has that to do with Quantum Me?

The observable universe resides in the mind.  I create my own reality through perceptions and intentions, turning a possible anything into an actual something.  Every atom that lives in me existed when the universe formed; when I pass on into history like the dinosaurs my atoms will still live on. 

A Photon of light travels at 186,282 miles per second in free space, my mind moves quicker than that; creating stories and scenarios, whole operas in an instant then just as quickly they fade. 

My neural interactions with the quantum world create energy, symmetry, harmony, a conceptual consciousness.  But just let me try to hold on, grab on, tighten my grip and confusion, conflict, resistance, scatter my understanding.

Mesons are subatomic particles composed of one quark and one antiquark. Mesons are unavoidably unstable so they can only live a few 100-millionths of a second.  Like mesons I dance on the edge between order and chaos.

accept

pending

progress

 Life is a round trip we all end up where we started off.

Love equals a unified state of consciousness

 So what I want to know is why can’t I get the sticker off a piece of fruit without pulling off the skin.

On Seeing A Certain Number on the Scale

So yesterday I weighted myself and for the first time I am happy with the number.  I have been losing a pound or two a week without really trying because I do not want to get obsessed with weight loss and make my whole stay here about losing weight or not losing enough weight or just not losing it fast enough and in general making myself crazy with a number.  So I have been trying to just live in community and accept myself and my body, as is, to the best of my ability.  Some days are better than others and what helps (not in a schadenfreude type of way) is seeing where others are not able to accept where they are at no matter what size they are.  I can look at them and say I was there and I have moved along the continuum to a more accepting place.  Part of me feels like being a little more aggressive in pushing people along but I know that is not the answer.  I am just grateful that at some point someone was able to hold a mirror up to my face and I was able to see myself and more importantly able to sit with what I saw.  So I am happy with the number (which you will never, ever, ever be able to drag out of me) but no so happy that the number still makes a difference to my mood. 

And speaking of mood (or mindset) I spent the day in the nearest big city (small by comparison to NYC but what isn't? Tokoyo maybe?)  with a friend and it was the best day I have had in a long time.  After I got back to my room I realized all this internal energetic stuff I had been trying (really really trying) to get rid of for years has somehow just fallen away and I am feeling really free energetically.  I am enjoying the feeling while realizing that like everything else it will pass. 

Quatum Me (first draft)

I was hoping to be further along with this but here is draft #1

Quantum Me

E=mc2      The theory of relativity means time is not absolute

Energy

Matter

The speed of light squared

What has that to do with Quantum Me?

The observable universe resides in the mind, so I create my own reality with perceptions and intentions, turning the possible anything into the actual something.

Every atom that now exists in me existed when the dinosaurs roamed the earth, when the stars started to shine, when I pass like the dinosaurs into history my atoms will still live on.

My energy dances on the edge of chaos and order

Saturday, June 18th

a busy, busy Saturday, went to Stop and Shop which will forever be associated with my friend Vinnie V.  for reasons to remain vague on his behalf.  It was an interesting experience to go into a supermarket for the first time in over a month.  There was so much stuff and thanks to community i didn't need too much but I did have to stock up on some personal care items and I bought fat free fig newtons cause there was a dollar off coupon and I can put them in zip lock bags so they don't attract critters.  Today at the lake I had to shoo off a chipmunk.  This is the second time this week Ihad too shoo away a rodent type creature (not counting some of the men in here community). 
Also while at the lake I saw a hawk, s/he landed in a tree about 30 feet away from me and s/he was majestic. There is something about the look in the eye of such a magnificent predator that is awe inspiring.  S/he knows s/he is at the top of the food chain and accepts it with grace and dignity. 

I have been doing my Metta meditations for difficult people and it does seem to be helping (me at least).  One person still looks at me sometimes like I am a venomous snake.  More work for me.

Also I am working on a poem for a poetry slam.  Gonna be a mix of buddhism and quantum physics.  calling it Quantum Me.  Stay tuned for rough drafts.

Thursday, June 16th

So yesterday I was told that I need to find a roommate for my next Seva or I may not be allowed to stay, as (to paraphrase the program manager) he does not want to match me with a room mate and have a repeat of what happened last time. Now to some extent I do take responsibility for what happened with the ex room mate.  I could have been more aggressive in checking in with her to see why she was so unhappy, rather than just letting her have her own experience.  I could also have talked to the program manager a little more directly about what I thought was depression.  However,  I am going to accept my program manager's challenge to try to find a room mate even though it means doing everything I hate (asking for help, being vulnerable), I am also going to present the manager with two other options and see what happens.  If I feel like I am being painted into a corner (which is just my usual paranoia) then I am going to start planning a gracious exit.  

Which is not what I want, I love it here, the work is good (not very meaningful but necessary), the people are great and the environment is great.  Also I love swimming in the lake, it feels so restorative even with the microbe thing.   Yesterday we had a sunny day after a week of rain and I ran (OK walked quickly) to the lake after work and swam out pretty close to the middle.  For some reason I became anxious (being a mostly lap swimmer in a pool).  I am sure that over time I will be able to swim without angst.  I did manage to swim my first goal so that was good.  Hopefully by August I should  be able to swim across the lake. 

Wednesday, June 15th

So thanks to John and E=mc2 I have begun reading about the quantum field.  Most of the math is indecipherable to me but the papers sure are interesting.  I finally have an answer to E=mc2 but am now delving deeper into Quantum Theory just because it is so interesting.  Of course it meant I had to go back and learn about it from the beginning (the 1930's)..  More as the story develops

Now back to MY development.  I am trying to push myself to do things I normally would not do, poetry slams, trying to be kind to people who deliberately ignore me.  This morning a person (who has not said a word to me the two weeks she has been here) turned around looked right through me and smiled at a person (in our seva) directly behind me.  It felt all kinds of crazy, why would someone do something like that.  So for me, it's on.  Now I am going to say hello to her all the time and I am going to be in her face as much as possible. 

Sunday, June 12th

Today I had a paradigm shift.  So one of the reasons I came to community is because I wanted to be more social and out going, another reason was I have been listening to a podcast with these two fat activist (Two Whole Cakes-check it out!) and made me want to try to inspire other fat people (I am going to start using the term fatties here but I don't mean it in a hostile or derogatory way) to not hold back, not stay on the sidelines and to not be ashamed to be fat and out in public which cannot happen in a place like NYC.  In NYC you are categorized, judged and labeled according to how you look (my opinion) and it takes (sometimes) a tremendous amount of effort to get people to look past the label of fat. 

It happens here in community as well, I can see some people putting up barriers because I make them uncomfortable.  Well I digressed a little.  So another reason I came to Live In Community was so that I could in some small or indirect way inspire other fatties to feel more comfortable around things that they may not be totally comfortable about.  So if you are wondering what I do (and you haven't read my Naked In the Sauna post) I walk around naked in the ladies locker room, I refuse to crouch around behind a towel and apologize for taking up so much space in the locker room.  I refuse to wear a bathing suit in the whirlpool and I walk in as slowly as possible, I am naked in the sauna (though I do put a cold towel over my face so I don't come out looking like a boiled beet).  I shake my fat ass is YogaDance refusing to feel self conscious about the size of the object being shaken instead I wave my hands in the air and dance in the center of the room with all of the other dancers.  If I see a fattie in the doorway I wave them in.  I would go over and grab their hands and pull them in but that seems too invasive. 
So on to the paradigm shift, I came here with the idea that I could only inspire fatties but yesterday in YogaDance (while shaking my fat ass) someone told me I was amazing and I realized that I could and should be a fat activist for everyone, not just fatties.  Let everyone know that there are fatties out there who love to dance as much as everyone else (e.g. non-fatties).  Let everyone know that there are fatties who are not ashamed to walk around naked in the ladies locker room and most of all that there are fatties (like ME) that can inspire. If you let them inspire you.

June 10th

Today was/is my mom's birthday and someone else living here in community turned 23 today.  He is an interesting man, he seems older than his years somehow and I sometimes sense a sadness in him that seems ancient and endless, like the Ganges. 
I wrote a poem a few days ago and I thought it was about enlightenment but maybe it was about him since he has been on my mind lately.  Who knows I tried writing another one and it sucked, so maybe I only get one good poem.   I am not sure if it was good but John liked it so I do have an appreciative, if limited, audience for my work. 
I attended a workshop tonight and the presenter read from Pema Chodron's books.  It was nice to hear Ami Pema's words read aloud.  I still feeling a little off, still not sure why, still waiting for the answer to come.  We are doing yoga nidra tomorrow in the workshop so maybe the answer will come while I am there.

It's almost time for lights out so I will sign off.

Thursday, June 9th

For some weird reason I am feeling very uncomfortable in my own skin today.  I am not sure why.  It has been raining a great deal the past few days.   So not much outdoor meditation time.  Which I may be needing, maybe I need to just be quiet for a while.

Wednesdday, June 8th

So I survived the open mike night last night, I was satisfied with my performance but the piece did not get the laughs I though it would.  It may have been too esoteric for the crowd.  John, who selected the piece of writing, has been living and breathing the subject for over a year and I “got it” because it is not too far from what I have been studying but most of the audience was not familiar with Rumi’s poetry and the subject matter.  I am just happy that I was able to stand in front of an audience without feeling overwhelmed and self conscious.  There were quite a few singers, an awesome video performance piece and some ready essays and poems.

We had community council earlier that day so I was feeling very tired and was glad we went on early and ended the evening with a soothing piece of music from David’s piano.  I did manage to speak during yesterday’s “share circle” and said something without saying anything; my favorite thing to do in a share circle.  Also about half way through one young woman started crying which lead to about a half dozen young women “sharing their truth with tears” (can I trademark that phrase?).  By the time it got to me (third from last) we were into overtime and I was ready to bolt.  So I told my truth in a funny way to relieve a little tension and to say a little fuck you.

I was interested in what the ex-roommate would say but she just blabbed on about how beautiful it was to be Living in Community and how blissed out she was to be a part of it.  There was one interesting share, tall drink of water, who is always, always, always complaining about how things are not being done as they should be.  She did not share about herself instead she shared about something which had nothing at all to do with her.  In general she is very inflexible and limits her interactions with others in community; she may be someone interesting to watch.  Her behavior has already been a contributing factor in driving one volunteer off the reservation and one roommate into the sick room (twice).

Tuesday, June 6th

So I spent Sunday and Monday in New York City tying up a few loose ends.  I also bought some bialys (which spell check is telling me is not a word).  So I have a nice meditative ride back complete with rainstorm, rainbow and a very large dead deer on the side of the road.  

Then when I get back to my dorm I find out I have a new room mate.  She had an argument with one of her room mates and "hoped I was OK with her moving into my room".  When I found out that she had not talked it over with anyone in the volunteer department and didn't have anyone's approval for the move I told her I was not OK with her moving into my room and that she had to move back until she got permission.   

It was a bizarre scene, she started crying and calling her room mates bitches and complaining about moving back and forth.  I tried to talk to her about needing to resolve conflict when you are living in community but all she could do was blame the other person for her problems.  So I just let her vent for a while then told her go through proper channels if she wanted to change rooms.   

So with all that drama it took me a while to get to sleep and I ended up not working out which is OK since I walked to town Saturday and Sunday and walked all around the city on Monday.  

I noticed I am getting a little frustrated that my level of endurance does not match my desired level of activity.   I think before I used caffeine and sugar as a boost but I do not do that while I am living in community. I guess I will just sit with it and see what happens.

Thursday, June 2nd

So the room mate has moved to a new room.  She did not look too happy as she was packing to leave but then again she never really looked too happy.  We sat and talked with our program's manager but after an exhausting hour of her talking about everything that was wrong with me we were unable to resolve anything.  Her opening statement was that my opening comments were "inauthentic" and she closed with "many of the things stated in this discussion were inaccurate". 

Onto bigger and better things-I am performing a five minute piece of dialog with two of fellow volunteers at an open mike night here.  It is (hopefully) a comedic e-mail conversation between one of my friends John his friend Solvie (played by me) and we have a third person reading the quoted poetry of Rumi.  It should take place Monday so I will write to let you all know how it goes. 

Tuesday, June 1st

It is hot here in the Berkshires, I am enjoying swimming in the lake but it is still a challenge for me to put my face in the lake water after years of swimming in chlorinated water.  I look through my goggles and all I see murky green.  All I am thinking when I am inhaling and my mouth is open is "microbes, microbes, microbes"   I am sure that eventually I will adjust, eventually.  Mostly I do the breast and back stroke and alot of floating.   It is calm and peaceful during the week and I am sure that as the summer continues there will be more and more boaters enjoying the beautiful lake. 

Now to address the room mate situation, she came twice last night after lights out and turned the lights on.  The second time I had to ask her to turn the light off.  I do not think that we are going to get much resolved today but I am going to remain open to the possibilities.